My Homebirth Story
It's been 2 years now since Libby's homebirth attempt and throughout the additional year since writing this post, I have gained more confidence in my birthing abilities and have also gained a lot more clarity. So, I have added additional details/insights that I left out previously. I hope you enjoy!
I have struggled with writing this story for nearly a year now. My daughter is one year old and I still am coming to terms with my birth experience. While ultimately, I have a healthy, amazing baby girl, when I think about how her birth transpired, I still feel angry and resentful sometimes. I have told a few people about my experience, I have talked on a podcast about it, and I have *attempted* to write this more times than I can count. How do you sum up a life changing experience in a couple of paragraphs?
***Trigger warning: birth trauma discussed***
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Planning for My homeBirth
From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew that I wanted to use a midwife. I had no desire to be thrown into the “normal” medical model of intervention, rushed birthing, and things pushed on me that I didn’t believe in for my health or my baby’s health- especially in the height of the COVID era. I had gotten COVID right before I got pregnant, so I felt like that alleviated a lot of the pressures that were being pressed on pregnant women at that time- specifically getting the shot. If I'd already had it, I would be considered "immune" for the time being.
I was extremely blessed to find the midwife I had- she is amazing and so is her entire team. I contacted them when I was about 4 weeks pregnant (she is a hot commodity, ha ha) and we met when I was 8 weeks pregnant. Using a midwife is not a typical experience- I talked to my midwife and her team for over an hour at my first appointment. They wanted to educate me, get to know me, and create a plan that we were all comfortable with. I left our first appointment feeling as light as air- happy. Also, I felt so confident.
My Pregnancy Experience
I was lucky to have a pretty easy pregnancy- all things considering. I never had pain or felt sick, which seems like a brag but really it's because I was VERY intentional when I was preparing for conception. I ensured I had the healthiest body possible. I wrote about what I did to have a healthy conception and pregnancy here. I immersed myself in birthing podcasts, books, birthing courses and anything else you could possibly think of to prepare for birth. Check out the books that I loved to prepare for pregnancy and delivery!
Gestational Diabetes
I cannot talk about my birth without bringing up that I found out I had gestational diabetes around week 24 of my pregnancy. This changed my life and overall health entirely, and while it was NOT an ideal situation- I am so much better off knowing what I know now.
Instead of using the traditional Glucola drink that is filled with junk and artificial colors, I used something called The Fresh Test. It is made of all real ingredients and honestly tastes amazing. Full disclaimer: yes, I failed my gestational diabetes test when I used this but that is NOT because of the drink (I used it with my second pregnancy and passed). I know this because I had to take a 3 hour test a few weeks later and it proved I definitely had gestational diabetes.
Gestational diabetes is important because, if left uncontrolled, it can cause a baby to be very large or for the baby's blood sugar to crash after birth, which is very dangerous. That was my midwife's main concern- the blood sugar crash. I had to monitor my blood sugar extensively. I charted every single thing I put in my mouth that was not water and reviewed it every week with my midwife. It was a lot of work and a lot of finger pricking. I NEVER cheated by eating something I was not supposed to eat for the remaining 16 weeks. I wrote about how to manage blood sugar here. Everyone should learn how to properly eat to manage blood sugar balance. You can learn how to do this with my Blood Sugar Balancing Course!
Busy Lifestyle = No True Rest
Now, 2 years later, I can acknowledge that I was WAY too busy to have a peaceful, restful pregnancy. While I was pregnant, I was commuting to graduate school nearly every day in Mobile (2+ hours in the car a day). While I was in Mobile, I was interning at my college by counseling college students. I was also working part time at the chiropractic office. I was working well over 40 hours a week between the two. Between working, school and my internship- I was busy. I hardly had time to do anything else. I didn't have time to read or exercise or do anything that I wanted to prioritize during pregnancy.
My Labor Experience during homebirth
I graduated grad school with my counseling degree on May 7th. My “due date” was May 28th. May 28th came and went and I was more than ready to meet my girl. I woke up at 6 AM on May 29th (a Sunday) and I felt different. I’d had Braxton hicks throughout my pregnancy, but it was feeling more intense. I lost my mucous plug that morning and my “Braxton hicks” intensified. Erik and I went and had crawfish around 2 pm that afternoon and that is when I finally came to terms with the fact that I may be in labor. I was using a contraction tracking app and it was constantly telling me to "Get to the hospital!" I contacted my midwife team and I proceeded throughout the day as normal because I could breathe through my contractions and my water had not broken. We went to an early dinner at my parents’ house and got home around 5 PM. I labored on the couch and watched Happy Gilmore until my doula arrived around 9 PM.
Overall, my labor experience thus far was pretty good. It was not unbearable or anything and my doula even asked me if I had a high pain tolerance because most women were more vocal at this point. I continued to labor and my midwife arrived around midnight. The rest of the team arrived around 2 AM. After that, everything was pretty much a blur. I changed positions pretty frequently because my baby’s position was not ideal. I got into the birthing tub and hated it, so we gave that up, although I really had my heart set on a water birth. My water had not broken but my cervical check showed I was fully dilated and effaced so I tried pushing for a while.
Around 7 AM we discussed breaking my water and eventually I decided I wanted to do that in order to speed up the process and get Libby into a better position for birth. At this point, I was frustrated and over the waves of contractions. I never had contractions in the front- I only had back labor the entire time. If you’ve ever experienced back labor, then you know how powerful these contractions can feel. Granted, are any contractions pleasant?
Emergency Transferring to the Hospital
I continued to push from 7 AM until 11 AM. By then, I was exhausted. I’d been awake since 6 AM the day before despite my midwife advising me to rest. By 11, I had hardly any energy left despite trying to rest and eating snacks throughout. I didn’t want to get off of my back any more- I did not want to move. My midwife team had been checking Libby’s heart tones the entire time and they noticed her heart rate was not bouncing back the way it should any more. I had no idea that this was going on, and I am forever thankful that I didn’t because I had such an amazing birth team. They were so professional and collected throughout; if they hadn’t been, I would have panicked and things would have been much worse. They administered oxygen to me at home and told me that I was going to transfer because of Libby’s heart tones. I felt nothing whenever they told me that that was their recommendation.
A few weeks before Libby was born, one of my meetings with my midwife team was about the possibility of transferring to the hospital. That's when they advised me to have a bag packed just in case. Normally, I am pretty compliant, but this time I wasn't. I did not have a bag packed for the hospital- I’d thrown one gown into a bag. Nothing else. An ambulance arrived and they loaded me up and continued to give me oxygen. In the rush, I didn’t grab my glasses and for that I am forever thankful- I couldn’t see anything for the entire time we were at the hospital for her delivery.
My midwife rode with me in the ambulance and Erik and my doula followed behind us. In the ambulance I told my midwife that I didn’t want to be awake for whatever was about to happen because I assumed it would be traumatic (I was right). I even asked her to tell them to just give me a c-section- something I never wanted to happen. In my mind, Libby hadn’t come out at home so, she was never going to come out vaginally. I figured a c-section was the only way.
We arrived at the hospital and I was taken to a delivery room. They hounded my midwife with questions and she provided all of the documentation of my prenatal care and labor so far. Unfortunately, the hospital staff considered me "high risk" because of me failing my 1 hour gestational diabetes test during pregnancy. Erik and my doula arrived not long after us and the nurses prepped me until the doctor arrived. I told the nurses I wanted an epidural or a c-section and they told me “It’s too late for that. You’re about to have your baby.”
Cue the Traumatic Interventions
At this point, I didn’t realize that this was truly an emergency situation for Libby. I figured we’d transferred because I was fatigued and I had failed to push her out. So, when the doctor started telling me all of the interventions he “might” have to do- I just nodded. He told me he might have to use a vacuum. I nodded. He told me he might have to give me an episiotomy. I did not nod. I said “I do not want an episiotomy.” To which he replied, “Well, no body wants an episiotomy.” I was given an episiotomy less than 5 minutes later. Imagine: having your body cut apart while you are wide awake- against your consent. This was and is still the hardest and most upsetting intervention I experienced even 2 years later.
I’d waited my entire labor to experience the fetal ejection reflex. I finally felt it after being at the hospital for about 15 minutes. Libby was delivered not long after the episiotomy via vacuum extraction. All of these interventions I never wanted for me or my girl.
I didn’t hear Libby cry for what felt like an eternity. It took her over 2 minutes to cry, and I only know that because I read her birth records a few weeks after her birth. While they tended to her, I delivered my placenta. Despite delivering my placenta with ease, the nurse still administered Petocin- another thing I never wanted (nor do I believe I needed it). The only reason I know it was administered was because the doctor told her she could administer it “if she wanted”- she replied that she had already done it. Meanwhile, I received stitches for my episiotomy for nearly an hour. All I remember at this point was asking my midwife “Is she dead?”
Of course, she was very much alive. Eventually I got to hold her and then nothing else mattered at the time. That was bliss. I could do anything. I could survive anything. We were finally together and that is all that mattered.
A Little Bit of Clarity
A few weeks after Libby was born, I requested her birth records. I wanted to read what had happened because my mind had suppressed a lot- a coping mechanism for trauma I’d learned about while getting my counseling degree. I knew all about birth trauma because I’d actually focused on that throughout my graduate degree while I was pregnant- I just never thought it’d happen to me.
Reading her birth records helped me recognize that her birthing situation was truly an emergency. Her APGAR score was a 2 out of 10. A 1 is the worst. I am so thankful that my midwife and her team were diligent about checking her vitals throughout my labor after reading her birth records. Unfortunately, reading the birth records also brought me extreme anger and sadness because I learned that they administered things at the hospital that I did not consent to and had even signed forms not consenting to- one of the exact reasons I did not want to birth at a hospital in general. This sent me into a tailspin of emotions in conjunction with feeling physically assaulted during her birth in general. I became obsessed with finding out if she was truly administered the Hep B shot and requested more records. While there are no real records of her receiving it other than a few words typed on her initial birth record notes, I will never know for certain and that will forever bother me. Another thing stripped from me from this experience.
My recovery from my episiotomy was honestly the most difficult part of immediate postpartum. I could barely sit on the couch. It was excruciating to go from sitting to standing, let alone use the bathroom. I couldn’t bend down. I could barely lift Libby up. It took over 6 weeks to heal from the stitches. It took me over 12 weeks to feel “normal”. I was unable to be physically intimate with my husband because my scar hurt so badly, so I had to go to physical therapy- it was invasive but necessary. I couldn’t bring myself to go to my 6 week follow up appointment with the OB that delivered Libby, so I really wasn’t sure if I would ever feel normal again, which is scary and disheartening in and of itself.
The Silver Lining of my Homebirth Experience
Overall, our family has been blessed to have Libby added to our lives. She is everything I imagined she would be and then more. This experience strengthened mine and Erik’s bond more than I ever knew possible. He was the greatest birth partner ever- I wish every woman could have an Erik at their birth. Using a midwife taught me so much about my own health and wellness that I have been able to utilize to this day. It truly changed my life. I also firmly believe that I would never have had a vaginal birth if I hadn’t used my midwife and her team, because I definitely wouldn’t have progressed quick enough in the hospital setting- a recipe for interventions that inevitably lead to a c-section.
I think everything happens for a reason. I think my interest in birth trauma and studying it for 2.5 years prepared me for my experience, as unfortunate as that may be. It helped me recognize the trauma responses I had after Libby’s birth and helped me not feel “crazy.” At this point, I am not sure that I will ever want to have another baby. I am not sure my husband will either. So, it is especially fun getting asked all of the time "When is the next one coming?" While that day was hard for me, it was equally hard and scary for him, which I never thought about until we talked about it months later.
I still have faith that I can have a beautiful birth experience. Maybe one day I will. Maybe one day I won’t. I know that if we do choose to have another baby, I’d still go the same route that I did before. My midwifery care was the most beautiful and peaceful part of my birth experience.
Did your birth go as planned? I'd love to hear from you!
If you experienced birth trauma, I wrote about some ways that I coped with mine here. Please know that you are not alone. Some other blog posts that may interest you: